We Survived: Abuse Unmuted
Abuse. That one word just made your heart beat a little faster and caused your body to shift uncomfortably. Think of it for a second, if the word ‘Abuse’ made you uncomfortable, imagine what the children, women, and men enduring abuse feel every day of their lives.
It is a subject where, as a society we find solace in donating, retweeting, picketing, sharing, even changing our social status to lend our voices to the cause. Whether that cause falls under substance abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect/abandonment. We all want to help. Where these acts are undoubtedly well received and done with the purest of intention, I ask you this, “When will we hold a space where we authentically, openly and without judgement, TALK about abuse?
Welcome to that space.
Meet Alma Garcia. A mom, wife, and author, whose first publication, Broken Things, was a detailed roadmap of her journey as a victim of sexual abuse. I had the honor of sitting with Alma as she shared her story with me, along with the core intention for journaling her experience and agreeing to the interview.
NOT WHAT YOU EXPECT
“It is so important for us to talk, because no one can tell what you have been through, beyond the stereotypical views like how we dress or if we look disheveled, maybe someone will think something is wrong, but most of the time, that is not how survivors look.” — Alma Garcia
As a survivor, Alma recounts how unaware herself and the world around her was, that she was enduring daily abuse, at the hands of none other than the man that was to be her hero, her father.
Alma shared the moment she understood that what was her normal was in actuality anything but. She was a 7-year-old 2nd Grader, sitting among her peers watching a puppet show, put on by what Alma would later learn to be social workers. There was a scene where the puppets acted out abuse, and the social workers instructed that, anyone that this had happened to, should stay behind. So, when the show was over, Alma stayed.
“I don’t know exactly when the abuse began, because by the time I was 7 it had already been normal to me.” — Alma
The series of events that followed would prove that the puppet show, and real life were not one in the same. Alma took the step to speak up, just as the puppet did in hopes that, just like the puppet, she would get help and everything that was happening to her would stop. Instead, her mother cried, her father denied it, her mother believed him and, eventually the tension caused from the investigations would ultimately lead to her father leaving and her, her mother and siblings being homeless. Needless to say, the support Alma hoped for was nowhere to be found.
How many children seek and hope for that support and do not receive it, or not know who to trust to share their experiences, to make the ‘normal’ discomfort and shame to stop?
By the age of 9 years old Alma and her family eventually moved back in with her father and the abuse continued.
BROKEN
Alma had endured the unspeakable and yet she went to school every day, interacted with her siblings every day and every night she would lay in that space where she was now numb and had succumbed to the idea that this was how it was always going to be and this was her life.
If being a companion and daughter was not confusing enough for Alma her mother would routinely turn a blind eye as Alma was the only one of her siblings that her father would insist sleep in his bed. Why? According to Alma, maybe she was a little jealous, or maybe it was because her mother loved her father so much that she never questioned him. Whatever the reason Alma could not understand why, her mother whom she loved could not believe or help her. By age 13 Alma’s mother left the home. This opened up the space for her abuser to now increase Alma’s nightmares to a daily and nightly routine and leaving young Alma to try to stave off the abuse from her siblings and survive the abuse for her siblings. She was now the caretaker.
Alma’s story was far from over and she catalogued the years of abuse in her book Broken, which was released in August 2020, with bone chilling detail. All for one reason, to bring you into her world. To have you understand what it looks like when you are not looking. To open the dialogue while encouraging attachment to an experience that is too often observed and not understood.
“I hope to see the day when all survivors can share their stories candidly, amongst their family and friends, peers and colleagues. I hope that every survivors’ story helps someone else identify with this issue.” — excerpt from ‘Broken Things’
COPING
As our interview progressed, Alma shared the destructive coping mechanisms she would adapt in order to cope with, what was now a daily reality she suffered through in silence.
Listening to her describe how she would punch herself in the stomach with so much force that she would be incapable of controlling her bowels. Or how she like many victims contemplated suicide. But, like many victims, Alma knew that removing herself from the home, would cause the abuse to continue with the next possible victim, her younger sister.
TIME TO HEAL
Where Alma’s story seemed probable to end in her being broken, detached and unable to function in society, that was not the case. Eventually, Alma and her siblings did escape the home and Alma joined the army, beginning a journey or healing and empowerment. Although she was on a path of rebuilding and defining herself, at one-point Alma did confront her mother and father, putting words to an experience that only existed in a world where Alma felt alone and unseen.
The responses were not what Alma hoped or expected,
“My father said we loved each other, and my mother said she forgives and loves everybody.” — Alma
While trying to understand how and rationalize these responses, Alma did acknowledge that on reflection the entire relationship was very weird and removing the expectation of any form of admittance or remorse, did help Alma to heal.
ALMA’S MESSAGE
“As a society, we need to do more. Knowing abusers, constitutes silence and child sexual abuse and the sentencing attached to it, is treated far too leniently. As for the statute of limitations, it should be removed on these sorts of crimes as most victims struggle to find their voice to report the abuse.” — Alma
To the children and teens, Alma stated that it is not much you can do as a child, you feel powerless. But her take advice,
“Fear gets you nowhere; Fear gets you paralyzed; Nothing gets better if you do nothing.” — Alma
CONCLUSION
Speaking with Alma was emotionally jarring and necessary. She took me into her world. That world in which her younger self felt like a shadow, like nobody cared. A world where her younger self could never see the worth and possibilities that her now adult self-cherishes.
Alma’s experience is one had by children across this country and the world, daily. It is an experience that most of us cannot fathom but, it is an experience that we can no longer allow to remain taboo. Children like Alma deserve to know that their ‘normal’ is not normal, that they should not be ashamed to speak up and when they do they should be protected. As a society we can do better, we can do better for Alma.
“I just want survivors to know this fact: You are not alone. I hear you. I see you. I am you. May our breaths carry our stories into the hearts and minds of our peers, our friends, our families and anyone else willing to listen. May the truth of them break their hearts. May it also feed their souls and drive us all to action.” — excerpt from Broken Things
According to National Statistics on Child Abuse “Nearly 700,000 children are abused in the U.S each year. An estimated 678,000 children (unique incidents) were victims of abuse and neglect in 20181, the most recent year for which there is national data.”
A special thanks to Alma Garcia for her willingness to share her experience throughout this interview.
Book Reference: Broken Things by Alma Garcia
Resource Reference: National Statistics on Child Abuse
